A waterfall of emotions flooded my body right there in that moment in the hospital room. Disappointment, grief, relief, fear… Having spent the better half of a year preparing for that day, those hours, that moment, this was the one kink in the plan that I hadn’t even considered- literally, it hadn’t crossed my mind.  My husband and I had attended a 6 week birthing class, practiced breathing, coaching, positions, handling pain… Our flexible birthing plan had no mention of this in it.

There was this part of me that felt strong, ready and excited to experience this process with the 2 most important people to me- my husband and my baby.  I knew that each of us played a role and it would bond us. Only, it didn’t happen.

At least… not how I wanted it to go.

McKaela wasn’t handling labor well.  Her heart rate was dropping with every contraction.  The only way to keep her safe was that one word that left an ache in my stomach- cesarean.  

I know, I know- I was supposed to be grateful for modern medicine.  I was supposed to celebrate and breathe in relief that there was a way to keep her and I safe.  

In reality, I was grateful.  But I was overwhelmed by this feeling that I wasn’t good enough.  That my body was broken. That I was getting the easy way out.

The fact that my body didn’t start labor on it’s own and I was now 13 days post due date was my first disappointment.  But now, I was going to lay on a cold hard stainless steel table, with bright fluorescent lights and over a half a dozen healthcare providers staring at my naked private parts to deliver my little girl.

My feelings didn’t make sense.  Seeing my daughter for the first time- it was the moment I had dreamed of, but not the way I dreamed it.

For months I was embarrassed.  I hardly told anyone. When someone asked me about my labor and delivery story, I would give a general response and move the conversation along.  Maybe this seems odd to some but I actually had to grieve the loss of my dream for a natural birth. Among all the crazy post-partum hormones, a colicy baby, the onset of carpal tunnel that had me in tears many days, an incision that didn’t heal right, and abs that didn’t work for weeks, I had these unfamiliar emotions I didn’t exactly know what to do with.  And no one seemed to understand…

But, that is where I was wrong.  In fact, thousand of mommies have had a similar experience, having to surrender this bonding labor experience for a surgical delivery.  Some women knew in advance and others found out only moments before it happened.

Regardless, it can leave you with an unexpected emotional scar.  ‘If only’ I had gone into labor naturally, when my placenta wasn’t as old…

It took me many months to trust my body again.  

It took time to believe that it was beautiful even with the scar and flap of pudgy skin above it.  It took time to believe it was completely strong, capable and able- that it would signal, move and work as it was originally designed to do.

Healing After Cesarean is Complex

Some cesareans are medically necessary and life-saving.  But it still doesn’t make them easy to digest. It is an intense abdominal surgery that requires weeks for your external incision to heal and up to a year for your internal incisions to heal.  It can affect nursing, daily life, sexual drive and physicality, and your overall wellness. As a low risk pregnancy, I never assumed it would be a medically necessary decision I would need to make.

But it was…and not just once…

During my second pregnancy, I was hopeful to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).  In my consult with the OB I was given an estimated 74% VBAC success rate. But once again, I went past due date, and my old placenta couldn’t support my sweet little girl, taxing her body and putting her into a stressed state.  This time around, I was much more mentally prepared and the disappointment and grief were less- still there, but less.

April is National Cesarean Awareness Month.  If you know a mom who has recently delivered a baby, especially someone who has had a cesarean there are several things you can do to support her as she heals and nurtures her baby in the weeks following delivery:

Take her a healthy meal.  

On the good days, bad days and all the days inbetween, having someone show up to your door with a warm smile, gentle hug and yummy meal is such a blessing.  Mommy is investing all her mental, emotional and physical energy into caring for her baby and herself. Having someone make meal decisions for you and bring it ready to eat allows Mommy to focus on her highest priorities.

When I had my second little girl, a friend set up a “meal train” where friends could sign up for a day to bring a meal.  It was wonderful! I even had a neighbor I had met just 1 time bring over a meal to bless us. Not only is the meal a blessing but the thought behind it means just as much to the new mommy and her family.    

Offer to watch baby while she goes on a walk…

…even if only for a few minutes.  Do not underestimate the power of sunshine and physical activity to enhance mood.  A short walk gives mommy a break and can rejuvenate her- mentally, emotionally and physically.  It is also critically important to be up and walking to reduce the risk of blood clots, improve blood flow, and help with any swelling in her legs.  Remember that Mom is doing a lot of sitting while nursing or feeding her baby so a walk can be quite refreshing.

Help her get out the door for an outing.

There is something exciting and terrifying about going out of the house with a newborn (especially if she has other children).  Getting everyone diapered, fed, and clothed without any meltdowns is quite the job! Remember, moms who have had cesareans have had a serious abdominal surgery which makes movement, lifting, carrying, and everyday jobs quite difficult for many weeks.  

Suggest a short but fun outing for coffee or lunch out or a playdate at the park.  Offer to come over and help her get everyone ready to go and bags packed. An extra set of hands is invaluable.  

Tell Mommy she is strong, beautiful and amazing.

Mom will need to hear this again and again and again…. And again.  You can’t tell her (or show her) enough how much you admire her strength and courage.  

Moms after a cesarean need an wealth of support, love and affirmation.  She may have surrendered her birth plans. She may be dealing with emotions she didn’t know were there.  She may be surprised by the toll of an abdominal surgery…

Love her.  Help her.  Hug her.  Affirm her.

TRUTH: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. –Proverbs 31:29 (NIV)